SieRra · JUST · LiViN · HER · LiFE!

Once again, I'm sick.
Not to sound scary or anything but I'm lucky I didn't die last night.
I had fun, minus the allergic reaction but unfortunately, alc + benadryl= not good.
But eh, it happens. I'm still here. And when I was partying, even with hives I was told I was cute and got a kiss on the cheek.
Well, heres to sleep, food, more sleep, and getting hw done.
And I love how my creativity is flourishing again. I wrote 25 songs within the last 2 weeeks :D yay!

<3 peace.

So its practically the middle of February already. Its ridiculous. I've been working my ass off. I love this semester so far. Its wonderful. I must say I've gained a lot from what I've learned. Just gotta keep it up. Wednesday I'm going to a physic (sp) so I'm excited, it should be interesting. Well, I have hw to finish.

Latah. <3
keep it REAL. :)

So, its the first snow day of the spring semester. I woke up saw we had a snow day & slept in. Also, just did mad amounts of homework. I'm almost done with it all. I'm working really hard, it feels good. Cathy has been staying here a lot, so we have sleep overs every night since our schedules are practically the same.
I saw him walking to class yesterday and just didn't even really look at him. Its hard cuz I still miss him sometimes. But I'll and I am okay. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Yesterday was just interesting in general. But other than that, I'm learning how to play Madden now! :) Yay! I'm really excited. I love it already.
Well, finishing up some hw and stuff.

latah,
<3

I'm back at FDU.
And academics are my first priority.
I need to work my ass off this semester.
Its gonna be different from last semester.
I can feel it and I'm ready.

latahhh.
<3

Today is the last day of 2008! Woah, I can't believe how much has changed this past year. Its remarkable. I learned a lot in 2008, changed, and even became more of myself.

I can't wait to ring in the new year with my best girls tonight! <3

:)

First off, it is winter break and I'm back home. I haven't wrote in this in a while. Its been way too long. Lets just say I've learned a lot since I've updated this. After getting my grades I know, that when I get back I'll be working my ass off with my classes. I really can't afford these lame distractions. But La Familia is gonna be there, which helps major.
In the love [less] department, I really don't understand why things happen the way they do. I mean, its probably best like this. It just sucks ass, but whatevs. I'm gonna be fine, I'm pretty strong. Eventually, all this stuff will work itself out. I know I can get anyone, or better yet they can try me. But I'm so blah about it.

I don't know, I'm gonna try to write in this more. Thats all for now.

Later.
xoxo <3

wow.
I've decided I don't get guys.
well i do but there thoughts and ways of working need to change.
which will never happen unless somethin impossible happens.
ughh. I hate this. I know its better but it sucks.
:(

bye, for now.
hope <3

So, less than a month now til I'm 18.
But all I have to say is:
Its SNOWING in OCTOBER. wtf?

yeahh. it like started off as rain, and did everything. Now its snowing. Wow. And its only 41 degrees here in Madison.

I'm kinda freaked.

TTfn.
<3

I can't tell you why but I always wind up writing in this while listening to superhuman. And its been about a week. Life is good. I find it odd the way things work out for me when I don't think so much (social wise not hw, I need to think a bit more in that area). I went home for the weekend. I did some of my laundry and then Aldrin picked me up asap and took me to the mall and we were there for about an hour and a half. We finally reunited after about a year and half almost two years :) It was cool, I told him I'd be home again. He put in all the effort. It was fun. I just hope he'll be able to come up before he moves to Florida. :/ But I guess I'll just have to find out. :) So after i did that I went to the HHS Homecoming game, and they lost horribly. I went with my sister and her friends aka my little sisters. and i met up with amanda.

Hey :)
I'm here (not tipsy) and feeling better. I'm so glad Rayvon came. He came here around 7:30 last night and left at 2:30 this afternoon. So it was a nice amount of time, flew by. lol It was so much fun and we have a lot in common. Only like one person who recognized him cause we were talking about it. But it was cool, cuz a lot of people know who he is. Thats kinda how I feel here, really well known and misunderstood. So its weird. He's also older and stuff so it was cool and we talked about producers and music and stuff. I know alot for a girl like me. hahah I fucking love it! We had fun and now I'm gonna visit him in Philly one weekend, and I really cannot wait. :) It took him like 4 hours to get here. Dedication, right? lol So I'm willing to do the same. haha
I've realized I can be mature for my age sometimes. Its weird some things I feel so behind but somethings like psych wise I'm ahead of the game. Thats why its so hard to fit in in college for me sometimes. So yeahh.

I'm doing much better. :)

peaceeeee.

<3

Okay so I'm starting to feel better, because last night I was piss drunk, wasted.
Stupid vodka. I had redbull and vodka. Its homecoming weeekend so it was an excuse to drink and have fun. Shit was still buggin me out a little too, I am not an alcoholic. Oh and i need to stop assuming every guy is gonna be like the guys in the past that have fucked me over. ahem thank you chivalry guy for lettin me realize that. ugh.

anyway, the point of me writing this entry is because of the football game. We were losing by 3 points. Lets just say we lost the game because the ref was being a bastard and gave us an out when it should've been on Wilkes. For some reason I felt like I could compare it to the situation with chivalry guy. It was a simple misunderstanding and had the ref looked again or something, we wouldn't have gotten the out. I'm still not fully put together but thats how I saw it. stupid smirnoff. lol but yeahh. Why do we blow up simple misunderstandings? We could've had a chance on winning. :/ But I guess thats life. And I'm always a dedicated Devils Football fan now, gotta show some support for my boys. :) <3 haha especially mistahh chivalry. I wish he could've played. But seeing him on the sideline was enough. Maybe time will be good. for this.

This is how I'm lookin at the situation now:
"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situationm trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened..or you could just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on." -Tupac

I'll leave the pieces on the floor, and if he's willing to pick them up and put that mess or misunderstanding together. We will, when that time comes.

But I'm excited. Rayvon is coming up tonight. It should be interesting. I mean he's coming all the way from Philly. So it should be fun. There should be parties and stuff.

Well, thats all for now. Be back hopefully when I'm def sober.

<3

"Sara, remember when you were little, and you had those building blocks that you'd try to fit the circle into the the circle shape. I feel like your a star trying to fit in this circle like everyone, when you should just be fine fitting in the star mold. Your different and thats okay." - Prof Singer (my english/freshman seminar prof)

I've begun to accept I'm not like most girls my age and it what makes me so special. Fuck stereotypes and social norms. I've realized and learned so much this week.

Thank you Prof Singer... and chivalry guy (chivalry guy is mentioned later in this) for making me realize it and knowing its okay to be "weird" or different in my own way. And maybe a little thanks to the man upstairs and my good friends and besties this weeek and of course the familia.

:)
------------------------------------------------------------------

"You changed my whole life
Don't know what you're doing
To me, with your love
I'm feeling all superhuman you did that to me
A superhuman heart beats in me
Nothing can stop me here with you
Superhuman

I feel so superhuman (superhuman)
I feel so superhuman"
-Chris Brown w/ Keri Hilson, "Superhuman"

so i should totally be asleeep by now. but its hard.
i was wide awake having fun this time last week.
It was the best feeling in the world too. :) But obviously
life decides to fuck me over. And I make my own mistakes.
He also had some of his and right now he won't talk to me.
Whatever. Its his loss, over a stupid misunderstanding. I thought about it more and it was really blown way out of proportion. And when he asked me at first about it. I couldn't give a legit answer, I needed time to think. Gash forbid I make a mistake. I'm not on fucking price is right.
Which I now believe was also a spark of my own pms because I got jealous for a quick minute that he was texting another girl, no wait she texted him. And then he flipped it saying that I said he couldn't text his friends. Bullshit. I didn't mean it that way. And since i've been hurt so much I thought he'd be like every guy I knew w/ a hidden agenda. My bad. It was not like that at all. I wish I could tell him. Cause I wouldn't want someone saying I can't text my friends, especially my guy friends. The silence is deafening. I just wanna kiss him again and sleep in my other bed with him again. It felt amazing :)... and now im stuck lonely again :/
I'M STRONG AND I'VE SURVIVED THIS WEEK FROM HELL. I'M A SURVIVOR. and im leaving it up to fate, which is ummm yeahh... interesting so far.
Its homecoming weeekend and my period decided to come and say hey sara no having fun this weekend because I know you want to. Haha, "FUCK YOU PERIOD (yeah my literal period), FUCK YOU." lmao michhy. Why thank you for that one. I wish I hadn't been so iffy last week. It sucks cause even when I try to communicate with him. We'll call him chivalry guy. Which is a story within itself. He won't listen or even text me back. I deserve better than that. I gave him a chance. Mr. Chivalry against social norms like me and stereotypes. Is sure as hell being a major stereotype right now. I guess I'll let him stay in his cave. I won't "wait" but I'll give it a little more time. Maybe a week, I'll just have to see. Either way, I guess its just another lesson learned. Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll be back in my life again. I think either way he did change me a bit for the better. I've matured a bit faster because of it. I'm done crying. I don't regret it at all. I just miss the conversations, kisses, how he'd call me weird and let me accept how I'm different which I wasn't willing to accept before, how he was my "personal trainer". lol we had so many good times. Why let it go over one mistake? i'm also giving chivalry guy a txt break for now. I've texted him only a little since our little misunderstanding, gettin no texts back. He obv. neeeds an intense breather. :/ But it better not be too long. I really liked him but if i have to i'll move on or take a guy break. I'll just have to see when that time comes, whenever that is. I just hope we can talk again. He was a really good friend. Ugh.

Well, I talked to aldrin today. :) and he's finding himself and shit too. Which made me feel hella better. It kept me going tonight. And this weekend is homecoming weeekend herre so I'm not gonnna be sad and have fun :) and i'm going home the weekend after for hhs' homecoming.

well I should prolly hit the sack. alone. :/
:) i'm hopeful. and i hope we win the game saturday and maybe my fave cornerguard (chivalry guy) may play. I'll root for him anyway. damnn...

nighttt <3

PS: i hate 8:55 class on friday mornings. luckily im done at 12:35. 3 classes. thursday is hell day.
better get to bed.

peace. love. happiness :)

I found this in a really old post from '06, but its still true.
<3

----------------------------------------

To Every Girl…

To every girl that dresses cute not skanky.

To every girl who wants to be called beautiful not hot.

To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect present for you.

To every girl who gets her heart broken because he chose that bitch instead.

To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.

To every girl who would just like once to be treated like a princess.

To every girl that cries at night because of another heartbreak.

To every girl that just wants to hold hands.

To every girl that kisses him with meaning.

To every girl who just wishes he cared more.

To every girl who would just once want a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.

To every girl who just wants him to call.

To every girl who lies awake at night thinking about him.

To every girl that just wants to cuddle.

To every girl that just wants to sleep with him without having sex.

To every girl that is SCARED to put her heart out there again because she has been HURT tooo many times or so badly.

To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.

To every girl that thought maybe this one could be the one.

To every girl that believes in her dreams.

To every girl that would do anything so she could achieve those dreams.

To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn’t think it is funny.

To every girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.

To every girl that doesn’t want a guy who just plays with her emotions but actually cares about how she feels.

To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.

So alot has gone on that I haven't really said here.

a- I started writing another book.
b- My life is taking a change, slightly. I need to stop my bad habits.
c- There is one guy who I've been talking to and I think I really like. I just don't wanna be a sympathy case for him. Since I've had so much shit go on. I'm not gonna lie, my love life isn't a walk in the park. And I don't exactly know what to do in sometimes. I don't wanna put it all out there and say I'm def into him. But he seems to care, and wanna help me. I guess i'll have to find out.
d- either way him or not. This stuff was gonna find me somehow. I need to stop running and face it.

well...I'll leave it like that.
ttfn.

<3

I think we all have our own battles. some are bigger than others or mean more than others.

I've decided I need to stop runnin'. well from relationships or something.
I'm so fucking scared I'm gonna get hurt again. I can't stress it enough.
Sometimes I don't know who I can trust or what. It sucks. Jesse McCartney has this song runnin' which is like the best way to describe it.

Here's the lyrics:
(Runnin' away
Runnin' away, hey-ey
Runnin' away)

I had the perfect girl
We'd spend together hours everyday
You could say that I had it made
And I was all for the commitment
But then she started wanting more from me
And my mind began to change
Suddenly I didn't feel the same
I didn't know what I was doing

I was dodging commitment
Start but don't finish
My M.O.'s always the same
Girl I know I been trippin'
I'm confessing, I'm confessing so baby just hear me out
I'm confessing, I'm confessing so baby just hear me out
I wanna show my heart but I don't know where to start

So I keep runnin'
With real love in my face
Why am I breaking away
I keep runnin'
So scared of the heartbreak
So scared of making mistakes
I keep runnin'
When all I really need is you
All I really need is you
But I keep on
Runnin' away (runnin' away, hey-ey)

I caught my second wind of happiness
When I met this girl and then
We became the best of friends
We went from half full to half empty
I took a detour try'n'a to find myself
But I'm on this road again
Want out of this box I'm in
I made it harder to be with me

I was dodging commitment
Start but don't finish
My M.O.'s always the same
Girl I know I been trippin'
I'm confessing, I'm confessing so baby just hear me out
I'm confessing, I'm confessing so baby just hear me out
I wanna show my heart but I don't know where to start

So I keep runnin'
With real love in my face
Why am I breaking away
I keep runnin'
So scared of the heartbreak
So scared of making mistakes
I keep runnin'
When all I really need is you
All I really need is you
But I keep on
Runnin' away (runnin' away, hey-ey)

I'm 'bout to break down baby I'm done
No I can't keep up runnin' this marathon
No need to rest when I already won
And if I got you by my side girl I already won
It's like looking for a treasure when it's already mine
It don't make sense, don't make sense
No matter how hard I try to define
I'm coming face to face with myself
I know I don't need no one else
So can somebody tell me where I'm going
Can somebody tell me where I'm going

So I keep runnin'
With real love in my face
Why am I breaking away
I keep runnin'
So scared of the heartbreak
So scared of making mistakes
I keep runnin'
When all I really need is you
All I really need is you
But I keep on
Runnin' away (runnin' away)

I keep runnin'
With real love in my face
Why am I breaking away
I keep runnin'
So scared of the heartbreak
So scared of making mistakes
I keep runnin'
When all I really need is you
All I really need is you
But I keep on
Runnin' away (runnin' away, hey-ey)

(Runnin' away
Runnin' away, hey-ey
Runnin' away
Runnin' away, hey-ey)

----------------------------------------------------------

This is exactly how I feel. He puts it exactly how I'd state it.
I'm sick of running a marathon.
Life is much better w/o skippah. no lie. i just want it to stay that way.
and i wanna be happy, for real more than ever.

I wish I could marry JMAC. ohmahgassh id be so fucking luckky.

well ill try update more. i should. stuff is happening mayne.
But things are getting better and remain better.
As my friends says, keep fighting.

<3
HOPE. LOVE. PEACE....
HAPPINESS <3

:) :D I'm free. Finally.
It hit me, I let him hurt me for two years. Almost 3 emotionally. He wasn't my friend, he was whatever. I'm done with it. He's deleted on my cell, myspace, facebook. The whole nine yards :) yayyyy. I don't plan on turning back anytime soon. I didn't even look at his number before I deleted it. AHHHHHH FREEEDOM! :D
I've never felt so good, being an hour 15 minutes away. So I'm gonna do what any college girl does. Party & celebrate and live my life. Cause life is way too short.

peace. love.
HAPPINESS <3

im watching step up 2. what else is new? lol
kinda bored. and for once have all my work done.
and i dont wanna go to the gym because im so sore from yesterday. ughh.

sooo yeahh. im hoping people will come around, soon.
til then i will wallow in boredness. and throw away garbage and maybe even decorate more.
ohhh boy.

latahhh alligatahhhs.

<3

ughhh i don't know why im writing again.
and this song makes me feel better.
i need to build myself up again.
im better than this. its not that bad.
and im so done w/ bullshit.
and should stop worrying so much.
i wish i had a cure that didn't make me feel worse.
something good is bound to happen soon enough.
maybe itll actually last. i just am not a games person.
but im always game for a challenge.
and id really would like to be chased sometime.

cause im soo not high maintainence..
and seriously. why not. theres no one out there like meee. :)

and thats truee. well maybe there is.

whoever wants to break these walls...be my guest.
if ur up for a challenge.

well i need sleeep. nighty night <3